Thursday, November 6, 2014

For My Husband

This has been a trying 6 months.  To begin the whole down slide a few months back my husband and I had a really bad cold. The only thing that lingered when it was all said and done was a cough. Well we didn't think much of it at first. But when it didn't go away my husband went in to get it checked out.

Turns out he discovers there's a spot on his lung and the doctors wants to do more tests. At first I really didn't think much of it but over the months sense I've seen my strong 5'8 180 or so husband go through changes. His coughing is getting a bit worse often times to the point of losing his breath. There are times when I feel so dang helpless. And he knows I feel this way and would rather not see me watch him go through this. And even though he still smokes he is trying to quit as hard as that is to do.

Yesterday they did a follow up exam to discover the spot has gotten bigger.  While I don't know by how much they want to now do a biopsy. When they first discovered the spot the doctor wanted to do it then, but with money and then no insurance we weren't able to afford it  because we would have had to pay for things such as rides and procedures. My husband then didn't want to because he heard that there was a chance of the lung collapsing and didn't want it done. This time when they suggested it he really didn't put up a fight.  His response to them saying the procedure only took an hour but they held ya half a day was ,, why does it take that long, just stick the needle in get what you need and let me come home.

Later that night yesterday he told me he wants to get a life insurance policy  so I would be taken care of, but he wasn't planning on "going anywhere" for a few years yet. After he went to bed last night  I found myself on the verge of tears but worked to hold them in. I had to be strong for him. But the longer I at in the dark after he went to bed the more the stages of grief went thru my mind. Grief fear anger - I haven't even gotten close to acceptance yet.

The longer I sat and remembered the past and when I met him, he was strong hard working and knew how to take life- head on.  he worked for a recycling plant and quite possibly caught something after 13 plus years there. He takes care of me still from shopping to house work to bill paying - not to say I don't know how I just find myself thinking about all the things he does for me and I think that's why I don't want to cry. Because if I cry that will be the sign that I've accepted this. And I'm not ready to do that yet. Just the thought of not seeing him across my desk, or laying next to me or talking from the kitchen as we prepare dinner sends me into a panic and I'm not ready for that heart ache yet.

As I drifted off to bed I prayed to God asking him why Why were those I love taken from me- was it something I did, didn't do was it a lesson I need to learn and if it was  couldn't I learn it without my husband suffering.

Any way it just puts all of the fights disagreements and not want to's in another frame of mind.  And the two songs that come to mind are , "If tomorrow never comes and the dance both by Garth Brooks.

 So I guess my message today hold those you love close and tell them you love them now for there may not be a tomorrow.

I'm still holding on tight to  my husband  my love every second I have, and thanking God for each one of them.

No comments:

Post a Comment