Thursday, November 6, 2014

For My Husband

This has been a trying 6 months.  To begin the whole down slide a few months back my husband and I had a really bad cold. The only thing that lingered when it was all said and done was a cough. Well we didn't think much of it at first. But when it didn't go away my husband went in to get it checked out.

Turns out he discovers there's a spot on his lung and the doctors wants to do more tests. At first I really didn't think much of it but over the months sense I've seen my strong 5'8 180 or so husband go through changes. His coughing is getting a bit worse often times to the point of losing his breath. There are times when I feel so dang helpless. And he knows I feel this way and would rather not see me watch him go through this. And even though he still smokes he is trying to quit as hard as that is to do.

Yesterday they did a follow up exam to discover the spot has gotten bigger.  While I don't know by how much they want to now do a biopsy. When they first discovered the spot the doctor wanted to do it then, but with money and then no insurance we weren't able to afford it  because we would have had to pay for things such as rides and procedures. My husband then didn't want to because he heard that there was a chance of the lung collapsing and didn't want it done. This time when they suggested it he really didn't put up a fight.  His response to them saying the procedure only took an hour but they held ya half a day was ,, why does it take that long, just stick the needle in get what you need and let me come home.

Later that night yesterday he told me he wants to get a life insurance policy  so I would be taken care of, but he wasn't planning on "going anywhere" for a few years yet. After he went to bed last night  I found myself on the verge of tears but worked to hold them in. I had to be strong for him. But the longer I at in the dark after he went to bed the more the stages of grief went thru my mind. Grief fear anger - I haven't even gotten close to acceptance yet.

The longer I sat and remembered the past and when I met him, he was strong hard working and knew how to take life- head on.  he worked for a recycling plant and quite possibly caught something after 13 plus years there. He takes care of me still from shopping to house work to bill paying - not to say I don't know how I just find myself thinking about all the things he does for me and I think that's why I don't want to cry. Because if I cry that will be the sign that I've accepted this. And I'm not ready to do that yet. Just the thought of not seeing him across my desk, or laying next to me or talking from the kitchen as we prepare dinner sends me into a panic and I'm not ready for that heart ache yet.

As I drifted off to bed I prayed to God asking him why Why were those I love taken from me- was it something I did, didn't do was it a lesson I need to learn and if it was  couldn't I learn it without my husband suffering.

Any way it just puts all of the fights disagreements and not want to's in another frame of mind.  And the two songs that come to mind are , "If tomorrow never comes and the dance both by Garth Brooks.

 So I guess my message today hold those you love close and tell them you love them now for there may not be a tomorrow.

I'm still holding on tight to  my husband  my love every second I have, and thanking God for each one of them.

















Tuesday, October 28, 2014

New Chapter updated

 I just added Chapter three of Molly's Journey this afternoon, and will be working on a sequel next month during Nanowrimo.  Molly travels from Australia to the US and helps bring equal rights to women here.  The details are still unknown but that's the fun of Nanoing, figure those things out as you go.  This new one will be on Amazon Kindle next year. 


Book to will be faith based.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Life update

 Hello to those who find there way here. I just looked at the dates and saw it has been almost five months sense I have posted anything. For that I am sorry. I have been working such things as  improving my writing skills as well as working on a few  free stories for you to read if you want something to read while you wait for the next book to appear on Amazon.

I will be taking a free online course in writing starting tomorrow and will last a few weeks.

I will be working on a free story for those interested on wattpad.com you can find that story here:

http://www.wattpad.com/story/25370134-molly%27s-journey

My Author Page  for the books so far on Amazon is: 

 amazon.com/author/debrajohnson

I think that's it for now. As for what my next book will be is still a mystery. I haven't a clue yet.  But as soon as I do know you will know.  It  will be  something inspirational and soul connecting. I am tossing around my biography on how I overcame the abuses of my past. If that is the book, I will probably also share it with my Out of the shadows of abuse blog as well. But will let ya know if you don't have that link.

 Talk with you all soon.  Definitely sooner then the 5 months   previously seen.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

When God Created Mothers - Erma Bombeck

This is one of the best Erma Bombeck  quotes and it is perfect for Moms day.  Happy Moms day  to all the moms ..

When God Created Mothers

 
Whken God Created Mothers Quotes (showing 1-2 of 2)
“When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

Can it think?"

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

What's it for?"

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”

Friday, April 18, 2014

God Fills Every Area of My Life Right Down to the Core

I have been absent here for a while, for those who follow regularly I am sorry. I have a new job, that of no fiction writer. I have three books under my belt but in doing these books I think I see a theme I had not seen before.What is that theme you ask?

God life force running through me regardless of what I write. So far I have written about adopting dogs, finding a cats potential and how to simplify your home,  the one I just submitted was about backyard veggie gardening, the next one will be creating a garden with  little money or maintenance time. 

Mt grandma was in the backyard garden one , and I see God running through this next one as I talk about Gardens There was the garden of Eden, and Garden of Gethsemane where we find Jesus before his time on the cross. 

What I may be focusing on is a place for  reflection and peace.  Because we all need that time.   

When I first started writing nonfiction these  topics that were given to me I didn't  know how to do it, I felt out of my element, but it was after the second book I  started wondering how can I combine my love of story telling and still write how to books, finally I lifted the question to God and things began to happen and it began to be easier. I'm not there yet, but with God's help and guidance I will get there, God makes all things happen for His Glory. 

My plan may be to write but He will direct my path. 

Hope your Weekend  Easter celebrations are blessed and happy

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Guest posing today


Hey all today I am guess posting at breaking the window I hope you check it out. You can find it here http://www.breakingthewindow.com/2014/03/abuse-survivor-debra-johnson-story.html

It deals with my abuse and how I dealt with it and hat i did to get threw each day.  Dealing with abuse is a hard thing to go thru and not many make it to the other side.  I would like to think im one of those. However the abuse caused several other issues I am currently dealing with. Things like over eating  and gaining weight to protect me from being abuse , and by drinking.  Now I have been sober 15 days and the next step is to lose the weight and gain the confidence to be the person God meant me to be. I've always liked the song why me Lord, because it was a statement I asked as a kid growing up.

Why me Lord what did I do to warrant this abuse? Then Why would I ( if we truly choose our destiny like some think) chose a life of abuse? Maybe because at some level I knew I was strong enough to handle it come out the other side so I can help others who go thru it and aren't that strong. God meant for good to happen in my life and I MUST  trust that he has a plan for my life.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Part one Trusting Myself



Trust. It’s something we all have. Or should have. But what about abuse victims such as myself? It is harder than most to start trusting others again after we have been abused and hurt. For we have no idea who we can trust. That’s because often times our trust has been broken by someone we did not fear or expect would hurt us.

Sometimes the attacks come on quickly as to catch us off guard. But other times and in my opinion and experience, it happens over time allowing a relationship between two people to grow and build and trust is established.

But what happens when time has elapsed and we try and start trusting again. How do we know who to trust anymore? Parents, friends, significant other well for me one of those people I have to learn to trust again is me.

I have had trouble trusting me for a very long time. That’s because when I was going through the abuse as a child, every time I made the decision to do something, anything that made me happy, someone came along and pulled the rug out from under me. No matter what I began to do those who abused me reminded me I was not worth anything. And eventually unconsciously I began to believe them. I gave up dreaming, gave up planning, gave up doing and just lived with no expectation of the future- because I saw none.

But now that I am out of my abusive life anymore I find it very hard to rebuild what has been torn down. That is because after living 10 + years of being torn down, my self-confidence is either low or non-existent.

That’s because I don’t know how to trust myself, I am afraid to try because I am automatically expecting someone to come in and stop me. However looking back over the last few years, I see that the only person who has been and is stopping me - is ME. I don’t know what it is like to finish something much less be successful.

But I am working today on learning to trust myself. As with anything I need to start small so I don’t get over whelmed. See I am a writer and there are at least 30 partially finished first drafts and several first drafts waiting to be edited and published. There are also other things in my life I have started strong with but have given up or placed on the back burner to never look at again. Yet these things will never be finished because there are just too many to do. But keeping them  on my desk top only serves to remind me I am a failure. If I am going to change that frame of mind I need to take a good look, an inventory if you will, of what I have then decide what I really want to keep and finish and what will only serve to continue to inflict wounds to already scabbed over sores.

Are the activities in my life things that I have chosen, or I chose to do because I thought someone else would approve of and like me? Or are they something someone else has chosen for me because they thought it was good for me?   

To clear my calendar, slate and conscious I must take an honest look at what things are in my life and make the decision  for me whether I still want them in my life for me – and me alone- or can they be let go without rejection or remorse.

That I believe is the first step in starting to trust myself, to be able to trust yourself to let these things go and not look back.