Saturday, March 8, 2014
Part one Trusting Myself
Trust. It’s something we all have. Or should have. But what about abuse victims such as myself? It is harder than most to start trusting others again after we have been abused and hurt. For we have no idea who we can trust. That’s because often times our trust has been broken by someone we did not fear or expect would hurt us.
Sometimes the attacks come on quickly as to catch us off guard. But other times and in my opinion and experience, it happens over time allowing a relationship between two people to grow and build and trust is established.
But what happens when time has elapsed and we try and start trusting again. How do we know who to trust anymore? Parents, friends, significant other well for me one of those people I have to learn to trust again is me.
I have had trouble trusting me for a very long time. That’s because when I was going through the abuse as a child, every time I made the decision to do something, anything that made me happy, someone came along and pulled the rug out from under me. No matter what I began to do those who abused me reminded me I was not worth anything. And eventually unconsciously I began to believe them. I gave up dreaming, gave up planning, gave up doing and just lived with no expectation of the future- because I saw none.
But now that I am out of my abusive life anymore I find it very hard to rebuild what has been torn down. That is because after living 10 + years of being torn down, my self-confidence is either low or non-existent.
That’s because I don’t know how to trust myself, I am afraid to try because I am automatically expecting someone to come in and stop me. However looking back over the last few years, I see that the only person who has been and is stopping me - is ME. I don’t know what it is like to finish something much less be successful.
But I am working today on learning to trust myself. As with anything I need to start small so I don’t get over whelmed. See I am a writer and there are at least 30 partially finished first drafts and several first drafts waiting to be edited and published. There are also other things in my life I have started strong with but have given up or placed on the back burner to never look at again. Yet these things will never be finished because there are just too many to do. But keeping them on my desk top only serves to remind me I am a failure. If I am going to change that frame of mind I need to take a good look, an inventory if you will, of what I have then decide what I really want to keep and finish and what will only serve to continue to inflict wounds to already scabbed over sores.
Are the activities in my life things that I have chosen, or I chose to do because I thought someone else would approve of and like me? Or are they something someone else has chosen for me because they thought it was good for me?
To clear my calendar, slate and conscious I must take an honest look at what things are in my life and make the decision for me whether I still want them in my life for me – and me alone- or can they be let go without rejection or remorse.
That I believe is the first step in starting to trust myself, to be able to trust yourself to let these things go and not look back.